As the end of the year approaches, it’s time for reflections and resolutions… I’m sure many of us look back on the year we have had – the good, the bad and the ugly. Reflections of another year that has gone by, and the things we may or may not have achieved. For the past few weeks as well as reflecting on 2014, I’ve also been thinking to 2015 and the resolutions that I pledge to myself to make me feel like a better person, both inside and out.
For the past couple of years I’ve written a review of the year for my blog, which I do plan to do, it’s nice to look back at the work I’ve done! But this post is a personal one, about me, and the way I’ve been feeling for a long time now, and how, I wish to take small steps to changing the way that I feel.
It’s like there are different versions of “me”. I’m someone’s mother, wife, older sister, daughter, best friend…
There is the private me. It is who I am when I’m alone, with my thoughts and the dangerous mind that I have. When I fall into deep despair and depression that I am a failure. Not just a failure, but a fat failure. Not just a fat failure, but a fat ugly failure. Oh but there is more… a fat ugly failure who is also a bad mother and wife… But then that failure has to suck it all up and cope with everyone else’s emotions and problems. I’ve spent the last few years being there for other people; listening, advising, comforting…and now, it’s come to a head, and we all know what happens then – it explodes. And then I cry, uncontrollably, I can’t talk to anyone about it, I just quietly say “I’m fine – I’ll be okay…” but most of the time, I’m never really okay, but I can’t say that to anyone.
The strong version of me is the friend and family member who can solve everything for everyone else. But when you have to be strong for others, you can’t be strong for yourself.
And then there is the “public” me – the blogger, the website designer, the online friend; who has to prove to the world that she has got this. That she is good enough and that she really works as hard as she can. But who quietly, behind the screen, is crumbling, who wants to say “I can’t deal with this today” but somehow, manages to find a way, because if she doesn’t, she’s letting people down. She’s failing.
At the end of 2014, the reflection, very sadly, has to be failure. I have lots of people tell me regularly that I am not a failure, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. I’ve spent too many days in 2014 crying – big heartfelt sobs, or quiet whimpers whilst lying in bed at 3 in the morning.
It wasn’t always like that though…
I started the new year, full of determination and drive, as so many of us do. It might just be another day on the calendar, but there is something shiny and fantastic about a NEW YEAR, when the world is your oyster and you can be a pearl.
I made resolutions to lose weight and exercise more and be the best I could be, but before long, as my weight yo-yo’d, I began to feel like a failure. And so you can see why my buzzword was exactly that – failure. As each week passed I would either lose or gain weight, but then, the weight kept gaining, and so I asked my doctor if she thought my anti-depressants might be causing a weight gain, as it was really the only thing that had changed. She wasn’t convinced, so I stayed on them. We went on holiday to the happiest place on earth (Walt Disney World – you know how I feel about that place) and as much as I tried to be happy, there were moments when I sat in our hotel room at the end of the day crying.
Even as I write this post I’m struggling. I have so much going around and around in my head that I can’t focus on what I really want to say. All I know is that my reflections of the year that has gone by are in the main, not good. Sure, good things have happened, and I’ve laughed and smiled and spent time with my family and friends, but deep down, the feeling of sadness and failure is there.
Right now, with just a couple of weeks left of 2014, I’m coasting through – going through the motions so that it can come to an end and I can start 2015 and be the pearl that I should be…
As always, I look online for ways to help me focus, tips and solutions to heal my well being. I bookmark websites and pin on Pinterest knowing that it ultimately starts with me, and it starts with every new day. I found this wonderful article on TheCircle with seven rituals to starting your day right, including keeping a dream diary, planning your day and deciding to be cheerful.
So my resolutions for 2015 will not be “lose weight” or “work harder” or “do this” or “don’t do that” it will be just the one: to start my day out right.
I figure with just that small task, then, in time, naturally the rest will follow. What do you think?