You may remember a post I wrote back in March in association with Post-It, entitled: What Would Make You Happy?, and it’s time for me to follow up that post to see if I managed to reach any of the goals that I set myself.
I’ve always said, to anyone that will listen, that the only thing in my life that I am not happy with, is my weight. I’m forever trying to do something about it, always believing that when I’ve lost weight I will be happy. However, for the past year or so, I’ve allowed myself to become really unhappy whilst waiting for this to happen. In turn, this had a negative impact and started a neverending cycle of self-loathing and weight gain. I said to myself that this has to stop, and needed to learn to be happy as I am. One way to do this, is to get myself fit again. I used to be very active, but due to a back injury, that habit dwindled, so to that end, one of my short term goals is to go back to swimming. Swimming makes me really happy. It’s one sport that I’m really good at, and I used to take myself to the pool 5 days a week and swim for an hour. – Me
So, did I go back into the swimming pool? Yes, I’m happy to say that I did. I’ve only been going once a week, on a Saturday night when the pool is empty, and my lengths have slowly increased, but I’m no where near the level of what I used to be a few years ago. That is just typical me – finding the negatives in the positives, instead of the other way around. I need to work on that. A LOT.
Another positive I have, is that I made the decision to see a personal trainer. I’ve been seeing her for a couple of months now. It’s hard going, but I work out to the very best of my ability, and notice the changes in my fitness level. But, again, I have a long way to go… I need to remember that ever session I go to, every length I swim, every step I take, will get me closer to my goal of finally, losing weight – and keeping it off. I need to start thinking “What if I can do it?” instead of “What if I can’t do it?“.
I not only can do it, I will do it.
When it comes to making my weight loss happen, I struggle with feeling defeated, by only seeing the huge end game, and not the small steps that it takes to getting there. I need to take everything one step at a time, and not try to do a hundred steps at once. Because when I do that, everything overwhelms me, I give up, and end up going back to square one – making the re-start of the journey even more difficult.
The very real problem I have though, is not just my weight, but the fact that I’m putting my life on hold because of it, and that is the thing I need to change the most. As I gained weight over the past year, I’ve become scared to go out on my own, which is why my husband pretty much comes to every blogging event I’m invited to – that is, if he can be accommodated, otherwise, I have to turn the event down. And I rarely go out on my own, for example, to the shops, because I feel self-concious. I have declined meeting up with friends that I’ve not seen for a long time because of my weight and fear of judgement; I’ve declined social events that I’ve been invited to; I even don’t see my family as much any more these days because of my weight. And that, is a very sad place to be right now. What is harder is the pretending that I’m okay, when actually I’m not. Today is probably not the best day to be writing this blog post, as I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, and a feeling of woe deep within me.
I have positive affirmations and quotes scribbled onto Post-It notes around my desk. I try to read body positive and body acceptance blogs and articles. I avoid negative things online where I can – to the point where I had to block people on social media, because I was being triggered, and feeling bad about myself… but then tomorrow comes and I may not feel so bad about myself, and you wouldn’t think I had a thing wrong with my mind. I keep singing a song from an attraction at Walt Disney World…and have to keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day, and a chance to make a difference to my quality of life.
We have a lot of things planned for the summer – a weekend away, just the two of us; camping at a family festival; a summer party; [hopefully] another weekend away at the end of August, and of course our summer holiday, but that’s actually in October this year.
Some of these things are worrying me, but I’m doing them anyway. I have written some quotes on a few new #MakeItHappen Post-It notes, and have to remember to…
As an optimistic little fish once said…
Remember that I CAN and WILL make it happen…
But most of all…
The Post-It #MakeItHappen campaign, seems to have come at the right time in my life, as I have been feeling at the end of my rope for a long time now. I’m not required to follow-up this post, but I am going to. At the end of 2015, I will be writing a post to see if I have believed in myself. And you will be seeing how our summer has panned out as I write blog posts about the things we do.
I’ve got my positivity board, that I will keep looking at, and update with positive affirmations and quotes – maybe writing new ones a few times a week will help me combat any negative thoughts.
So, now it’s your turn to tell me – what do you want and how will you #MakeItHappen? You can also enter your Post-It into this competition!
Disclosure: Collaborative post in association with Post-It.