11 Years of Our Lives – Life of a Single Mum (2002-2005)

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In 2002 I was living with my 2 year old son, Liam and his dad in a one bedroom, first floor council flat that had a pigeon problem on the balcony that the council didn’t want anything to do with, and manky black mould growing on the walls and window frames, that the council also didn’t want to have a thing to do with either.

Aside from the healthy and safety problems with it, it was also too small for our family and we were on the council waiting list for a 2 bedroom house. This photo below was taken back in October 2001 – we didn’t even have room for a dining table, and the sofa was someone’s cast offs.

By mid January I received a letter telling me that a two bedroom property had become available and would I like to view it. My heart sank and the 25 year old me cried as I re-read the letter which said that the property was a ground floor flat. I had pinned my hopes on a house so that we could perhaps, in the future buy it with the right-to-buy scheme. But, Liam’s dad said to go and see it, my mum said to go and see it and then make a judgement.

This is the story of the first years at the house I’m about to move out of this Friday.

Not knowing where the road that the flat was, Liam and I got a cab round there (I didn’t have a car back then), and I wandered around the property that I have called home now for the past 11 years. The rooms were huge, the front and back garden were huge, and Liam asked me if this was going to be our new house. Yes, son, yes it is. I made the decision that we would be moving here and phoned Liam’s dad to ask him to bring boxes home from work so I could start packing. I basically had about 10 days from my old tennancy ending and my new one beginning!

On the 28th January 2002, with help from two very good friends and a van, we moved all our stuff into the new place, and a new life was to begin. Mummy, daddy and the boy. We bought carpets, and decorated, a new sofa of our own and Liam went into his own bedroom in a big boy bed!

While his dad was at work, Liam and I would play in the garden – something we didn’t have before, and I just love these two photos of him playing – he created the dinosaur skeleton using stones he’d collected all by himself! *Proud mamma moment* He loved hunting for little bugs too!

We had summer, Halloween and by Christmas 2002, Liams dad and I got re-engaged (after a rough patch some time before) and I felt like life was complete.

However, 13th March 2003 shattered my world – with him telling me that he didn’t love me any more and was leaving. I was stunned. Deep down, maybe I saw it coming, but on the surface I didn’t really believe it either. I remember the day he left, when Liam saw him pack some stuff into a bag and ask him where he was going. “To work” he replied, and closed the door behind him.

By now, my little man was in nursery, and I turned up the next morning sobbing my eyes out – all the mums up a the school couldn’t believe it and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to get through the day, let alone the rest of my life as a single mum.

For two weeks Liam lived off microwave chips and pizza. I lived off coffee and cigarettes. I cried myself to sleep every night, and Liam was hoisted from his big boy bed and into mine, because I couldn’t bare to be alone. He’d ask when daddy would be coming home. I told him the truth and said “he’s not coming home sweetheart” and burst into tears. He would hug me and tell me he’d look after me. A 3 year old, telling his mum he’d look after her…I’m not proud of those two weeks.

I hoped for a long time that me and the ex would get back together – to the point where I begged him to try and make “us” work, I kept hanging on and hanging on. Visiting my parents on a Sunday, dad and mum dropping me home and me crying saying how much I wanted him back. I felt like a failure that I couldn’t keep my family together.

Somehow I managed to cope. Liam’s and mines eating habits got back to normal and I wasn’t crying so much. I was gifted a car which brought me a lot more independence and we were able to go on days out a little further afield. I was able to drive down to see my parents and not have to worry about dad having to drop me back.

One weekend, my sister suggested we should do a boot sale, so I asked mum if she would mind having Liam overnight, and off sis and I trotted to the local booty to get rid of a ton of junk. I phoned in to see if Liam was okay and my mum said something which shook me to the bone. She told me that Liam had asked “Where is mummy? Is she going to leave me too?” My heart was broken…through all of my tears and anger I hadn’t really realised how much little Liam had been effected by watching his dad walk out the door.

Mum also told me how she had taken Liam to feed the ducks, and there was a little boy there with his dad. Liam had said to her “My daddy has blue eyes. I’ve got blue eyes like my daddy” She told me how it broke her heart…she saw the sadness in Liam’s baby blue eyes and gave him a little plush toy – Sad Sam – and told him, that whenever he was upset, he could always talk to Sad Sam if he couldn’t talk to any one else. He still has Sad Sam – he doesn’t have to talk to him any more.

Christmas was spent, back at home with my mum and dad – I couldn’t face that first Christmas morning as a single mum alone. I remember shouting down the phone at my ex, saying that I hope he choked on a turkey bone…I can’t remember now if he came to see Liam over that Christmas period, it’s all a distant memory now.

My best friend Sharon and her boyfriend helped me through. They had a little girl at the start of 2003, and we all discussed going to Orlando together. I even put a deposit down. But I just wasn’t going to be able to afford it – it was a pipe dream and I had to cancel. Towards the end of 2003, Sharon’s dad passed away and her and her family moved up to Leeds – I was devastated, my best friend was moving 200 miles away from me.

By the end of 2003, a new addition was made to our family…a sweet little kitten. A friend gave her to me, and Liam and I loved having a pet! We called her Holly. Holly was one of my chosen baby names should we [the ex and I] have a baby girl. I figured I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, so Holly was the perfect name for this perfect little kitten. It was also Christmas time when we got her, so it was just meant to be!

On the 31st January 2003, I got a phone call to tell me that my 14 year old cousin, Daniel had been killed in a road accident. I screamed, I was in shock, it made me realise just how fragile life is.

In 2004, I started to pull myself together a little more, I started attending some local [free] workshops in various topics – mosaics, jewellery making, that sort of thing – to get me out of the house whilst Liam was at school (he was by now in primary school) and to make some friends. It helped me to regain the confidence I lost and I did make new friends who are still friends to this day.

I would do all the things that a mum should do – make biscuits, pick conkers, read books to my boy, help with homework, play football, go on days out – all on my own, without a man by my side. If there was one good thing that came from this split, it was independence, which, somewhere along the line, I had lost.

I also started going on a couple of dates, signing up to a few dating websites. However, my ex was still on my mind, and my heart wasn’t in the right place for new love. I was concentrating on building a life for me and my boy and getting off benefits, so I took myself off those dating sites for a while.

I remember when I took Liam up to the Natural History Museum in London all myself on the tube. Silly, looking back at that – but it was such an accomplishment. Even though I worked up London before he was born, getting on a tube by myself with a young son was terrifying – but he loved it, I loved it, and we had a great time! Although, from this photo below, you wouldn’t think he was in a good mood about it all!

By 2005, I felt like I was getting the old me back again. Liam’s dad was seeing him from time to time. We still shouted at each other. I still pined after him, but he was seeing someone else and it was time for me to start doing the same. We were not going to be getting back together, but I lived in hope…it was quite a sad existence looking back now.

I also had my windows replaced, and took photos of our house without windows, which I thought looked so strange! The old ones were so crappy – new windows, as silly as it sounds, gave a whole new outlook on life!

I decided that year to finally sort out the garden, it was a state with thorny brambles growing down one side, taking over, so my dad leant me the money to get a gardener in to get it cleared. I then dug the whole side over and told Liam we were going to plant some fruit and vegetables! When I look now at that patch of grass and see how huge it is, I cannot believe that I dug it all over – on my own!

We grew so many things that year – sweetcorn, courgettes, tomatoes, beans, lettuce, radishes, onions, strawberries…and PUMPKINS!

The pumpkins we grew were then used to carve out Jack O’Lanterns for Halloween. Some of those photos from Halloween 2005 I digitally scrapbooked, which I got into that year (I used to paper scrapbook before that, but just never had the time any more to do it.)

In September of 2005 my parents had gone to Cyprus for a couple of weeks, so I went and stayed at their house with my sister, who was living at home at that time. My siblings threw me a little party for my 29th birthday, even made me a cake! I also went out with my friend Sue, who was my mosaic tutor at those classes I earlier mentioned – we’d become firm friends.

I also tried one last shot at the internet dating malarky. Taking another selfie (which I became quite good at taking lol) I put it up, with my profile on a website (which I don’t think exists any more) called Love@Lycos. The picture was that one up there!

On the 17th September 2005, I sat at the computer screen, with Liam asleep in bed, and my sister out for the night, and emailed 3 or 4 guys that I thought sounded ‘nice’. I asked if they fancied chatting…one of them replied…it was a guy called Steve. We had a lot in common, and he lived not too far from me so we got to talking.

We emailed back and forth for a while; my computer had broken at home and so I had to use the internet at the library. He told me he knew all about computers and offered to help me choose one – maybe go out for a drink – but I casually ignored all advances!! Looking back at our conversations through MSN (yes, I still have them saved!) I realised how much he was into me, but I was not believing it…truth be told, and Steve knows it now, I was still hankering after making things work with my ex (2+ years later? Yeah. Sad!)

Steve went off on a jolly boys holiday to Ibiza, telling me he was buying a house and it might be the last one he would have for a while whilst he “grew up and got himself a mortgage!” Whilst he was away I got myself a computer, and set it all up – all by myself! By now, Liam was back in his big boy bedroom – I knew it was time to move on with my life.

Steve and I carried on talking via MSN, he was making me laugh, we were learning things about each other and swapping photos and such. He asked if I would go out for a drink. I said yes and made arrangements with my mum to look after Liam for me. The date was 18th November 2005, 2 months ish after we first ‘met’ online.

I was so excited to be going on a date with someone who I had grown so fond of online – it is difficult to explain, but I had fallen hard for him already and was equally nervous as I was excited. What if he didn’t like me in person, what if he had a weird voice, what if I didn’t fancy him, what if he thought I was fat and ugly? But some how I managed to get in my car and drive to The Liberty Bell in Romford, with the get out clause that I needed to go home to my son, if I felt things were just, well, bad!

I remember his crappy ice-breaker, which made me laugh, and we went inside. A few drinks ordered, he paid, and we chatted and laughed together. We hadn’t arranged to meet for food, but decided to get a bite to eat. I remember I had scampi which had a lemon wedge on the side. I remember him, for some reason throwing into a vase that was on the window ledge next to us – why? I have no clue, but it had me in hysterics! It was getting a little late in the evening for this single (at the time) mum, and I said it was time for me to go. As much as we had got on well, I wasn’t sure that the spark was there, and went home feeling deflated, yet also good – I can’t explain it really. Liam was in bed, and I told mum and my sis how the date went – that it was really good, but that I wasn’t sure. Yes. I still wasn’t fully ready to let go of the ex.

However, once they were gone, I was straight onto MSN and Steve and I carried on our date online and talked to the wee hours – maybe there was a spark, but I just wasn’t seeing it?

My friend Sue said I should give mine and Steve’s ‘relationship’ three dates to decide. One) you’re not sure, two) you might be sure, three) you will know for certain – yes or no.

By now, Steve and I were emailing each other regularly during the day, and MSN-ing in the evenings. And then I got the bombshell. The life changing moment which let go of my heart and allowed me to love again. I found out that my ex had gotten married. I’m not going to lie, it destroyed me. It was like re-living that breakup in 2003 all over again. But, and it’s a big but, it set me free…my mum said she’d take Liam off my hands for the weekend and I emailed Steve and told him that I was free at the weekend and would he like to meet up for a couple of dates? Dates 2 and 3.

We arranged to go out for a meal and a movie. On the Friday we went to La Tasca, a tapas bar and then to watch Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. I suggested, after the date, to come back to mine for coffee..cheesy I know…it really was just coffee! We sat up in my living room chatting till about 4am! He went home and we arrange to meet the next day for a game of bowling in the afternoon, then a take-away at my house.

That night we had our first kiss…and the rest is history, as I ended up marrying that bloke called Steve off the internet!

Read Part Two: 11 Years of Our Lives: A Second Chance at Love

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